To my most amiable readers;
As of late I have been sorrowful of heart, starting with a dream several nights ago. In my dream a woman had just given birth, the baby in the arms of a another woman attending her. My mind's eye zoomed-in on the mother's plain face while she nodded assent. I looked to the attendant who started to twist the babies head, snapping it's neck and literally tearing the head off. Dark blood flew. I awoke.
I can't describe the horror I felt, the nausea, the darkness of it. I lay awake, the dream replaying itself in all of its terror. I thought of violence, how real it is, how far removed from it I usually am. I began too to think over the horrors of warfare, the maimed, the raped, the orphaned. 'How?' I thought, 'How could people do this? How do you get to the point where you can be so cruel, so merciless?'. I took comfort for a moment that I am on the side of the Light, that my side combats the deeds of darkness. Then I thought of the Old Testament, how God directed His people to take an entire city, leaving no survivors. Surely there were babies there, toddlers, pregnant women. To think that God had endorsed such atrocities...I could not bear it. I was shaken.
Today I was told that two babies had been found dead in trash cans here in Puerto Montt. One was newly-born, still had the umbilical cord attatched. The other was an aborted baby, seven months along. They were discovered because the dogs had found them. My dream flashed before me; two women, consenting to murder, innocent little baby newly-born. This was too much. 'How?' 'Dear God, why?'
In this state I prepared to attend a birthday party for a girl from rowing. I felt far from strong, full of sorrow in my heart. This girl does not know the Lord, and my heart's desire was that I would be able to share with her at the right time. Towards the end of the party, Deborah and I asked if we could pray for her on her special day. They turned off the loud music and we prayed, sitting on either side of her, blessing her life, asking God for wisdom for her in this her fourteenth year, thanking God for her life and friendship. I had to go, so after saying goodbyes all around, I started to go outside to catch a bus home. She followed me out and stopped me on the sidewalk, thanking me for my beautiful prayer (how forgiving of my poor grammar!). This was the softest I had seen her; usually she holds a proud, mocking front. God gave me words for her. She stayed with me until a bus came, standing in the rain, while her party went on without her. After many hugs I hopped on the bus...overcome with joy.
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:19
I think I still need help to understand the Old Testament, to more thoroughly understand the character of God and His motives. If anyone has any help for me in this, I'd greatly appreciate your insight. All I know in my despair is that God is good, that He loves me, speaks to me, and that I am completely lost without Him. Clinging to this hope, I am not overcome.
Your Devoted,
Sarah
About Me
- Sarah Gingrich
- I am the happy wife of Dustin, the mom of Sophia (6), Edison (4) and Reuben (2). I am a follower of Christ, and am serving Him in Chile as a missionary. I grew up in Great Falls, Montana and have since lived in Alaska, Pennsylvania, Canada, Costa Rica, and now Chile! Current interests: learning the art of rowing, and continuing to teach myself guitar and painting. The reason I have joy: I have Christ in my heart and hope of eternity with Him! I LOVE HIM!!!
7 comments:
what a disturbing dream...all I can say is that I WILL pray for you, for peace of mind and knowledge, I love you!! Do you need me to come make your hair greasey??? ;)
HEY SARAH!
todo bem por aki....!
ya llegamos y muy bem un poko cansada .....hee hee~!
miss u ....
sophia & edison...wewewew!
saluitos....
sha-shaO!
you have beautiful writing...
whoa!
Jesus trumps Joshua
Sarah,
Praying for you, Dustin and the kids.
As I pondered this question, after reading your blog, I thought of a couple of things. Surely they are not the final answer, but hopefully they will provide a little help and relief to you.
There are many things about God that we truly don’t understand. Especially as we ponder some of life’s more profound questions, we see the gap grow between what our weak, feeble minds comprehend and what God’s penetrating, all-knowing gaze sees and understands. One thing I know that confounds me is how God balances mercy and love with righteousness and justice. I know that He does it, and that the balance is perfect; He does not misjudge that balance even a hair to one side or the other. Also, He does not lay aside one attribute and take up another, He is good and merciful at the same time He is holy and just (check out Psalms 135 and 136. They show His mercy and His judgment).
God has the perfect right to judge whoever He chooses. While they may appear innocent to our dim eyes, He clearly discerns. The Bible is clear, all are sinners from conception (Romans 3:10, which is a quote from Psalm 14:3 and Psalm 53:3). There are no exceptions, none are good until the first sin; we are all conceived sinners (Psalm 51:5). When God chooses to take the life of an “innocent”, it is best to remember that there are none innocent. God certainly is merciful, and this attribute balances justice. Grace balances judgment. Yet there is a point where mercy requires justice, and grace requires judgment. God and God alone knows where that balance is, and can execute that balance. God has used His people to execute judgment throughout time. For example, the Israelites spared only Rahaab and her house in the destruction of Jericho. All else fell to the sword. While this seems harsh to us, when we consider the many sins the people of Canaan were committing, it is not really surprising that God judged them. Consider that Baal worship involved burning children as an offering. His mercy endured for many years, prolonging judgment while Israel wandered in the desert. Imagine how it must have pained God to watch as the years went by, and the smoke from the fires of burning children ascended up before Him. Yet His mercy endured, waiting for the one who would indeed repent, and many could have followed in Rahaab’s shoes and chosen to repent and turn to God. While justice and judgment were executed on Jericho, this act provided other cities that were just as evil a chance to repent. God’s judgment did not swallow the whole world, as it did in the flood. Even then, the people had a chance to turn to God, as Noah built the ark for 100 years. Instead, they rejected God, reveled in their sin, and went their own way. In a future day, the saints will judge the world and angels (1 Corinthians 6:2,3).
God also used other nations to judge His nation, Israel (2 Chronicles 21:12-19). When Israel and Judah turned to other gods, God did not destroy them for David’s sake. He had mercy on many generations after David. But there reached a point where mercy had to be balanced with judgment, and He knew when that was, and His plan was executed accordingly.
This is the same God who will one day cast all who have rejected His Son, Jesus Christ, into a lake of fire for eternity. He IS the God of love, mercy and compassion. Consider that He gave His only Son to die for sinners. That is the definition of love, right? Those who trust in Jesus Christ alone for salvation need not fear judgment day. But He is also the God of holiness, justice, and judgment. His love cannot overcome His righteousness. He cannot let an unrepentant sinner into His presence out of love. He does not contradict Himself, nor will He.
I hope this helps. Remember, Jesus wept over the sin of the people, and His heart was broken by their unwillingness to repent. It is not wrong or sinful to be broken-hearted to see the violence and sin in the world. That should be a motivation to show the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Dear Ken,
Thanks for your words and the thought you put into your response. It was very helpful to me to remember that God does not contradict Himself, His justice does not negate His mercy, His judgement does not taint His love. Thanks so much!!
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